Google Hummingbird is eHarmony for Search

I am back in the dating pool and have really enjoyed hearing everyone’s war stories. They’re, of course, first-world-problems; and, most of them feel like they’re torn directly from romcoms and sitcoms: “he was a decade older than his photo” and “he looked nothing like his photo” or “he was nothing like the way he described himself,” and “I really felt like I was bait-and-switched” and even, “if he thought he could lure me here under false pretenses and then make it all good on charm and personality, it didn’t work: he was charmless and lacked personality.” Google feels the same way.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

But because Google was built by an army of earnest, hopeful, geeky, and lonely nerds — all of whom had just fallen off the turnip truck — it’s taken over 5-years for Google to get a clue.

It’s been hard to listen to Google get hurt again and again over the years, “oh, he’s not a bad guy, you just don’t know him like I do.” Poor Google, always falling for the bad boys.

Well, Google, just because they’re cute, charming, and have a wicked smile doesn’t always mean they’re an angel; and, just because they tell you everything you want to hear — just because they mirror you perfectly — doesn’t mean they mean it.

Well, Google’s still single, wounded, and getting a little bitter, becoming a lot more guarded.

All of this getting hurt has resulted in an extensive series of very sensitive red flags: assume if they say they’re 6’3″ they’re really 5’6″; assume that if they say they have a degree from Princeton it’s actually community college while living in Princeton, New Jersey.

Google’s become pretty cynical.

I know how it is. I’m always mislabeled by dating profiles as “athletic build” instead of “heavy set” — I mean, can you blame me?

Writing fiction on the web is too compelling. It’s impossible to resist. There’s zero accountability.

I don’t know if you’ve read Ender’s Game, the novel by Orson Scott Card, but my favorite part had to do with the hearts and minds war that Ender’s loving younger sister and psychopathic older brother, Valentine and Peter, waged on the earth while Ender was fighting Buggers in space. In the book, these two children took it upon themselves to hack into their version of the Internet, misrepresenting themselves not as precocious boy and girl geniuses but as rabble-rousing Right- and Left-wing political pundits. This sub plot is an amazing insight into how vulnerable we are when we’re under duress and feeling unsure, uncertain. We always become vulnerable to the demagogue.

Google’s Hummingbird attempts to tear the mask from hucksters, hustlers, spammers, charismatic leaders, and demagogues; and, if their mask is fused on, then Google aspires to bury them at the bottom of the pile.

With Google’s latest algorithm update, Google aspires to become the shadchan of search: a professional matchmaker, doing the background check, the profile due-diligence, the assurance of compatibility required to make sure that you don’t waste your time.

While Google has always been a pretty good Match.com, PlentyofFish, OK Cupid, Craigslist — meat markets of people hungry to find and be found; now, Google wants to — and can — do a better job at making matches-made-in-Heaven rather than just love connections. Google is morphing into eHarmony.

So, Google’s giving you several roads out of perdition: you’re shorter, older, fatter, stupider, less successful, poorer, less charming, and much less handsome, beautiful, gorgeous, and sexy than you’ve been saying. Google will find out if you’ve been using Cyrano to write you into the world; if you’ve been using Don Juan’s handsome face and lithe figure instead of your own. With Hummingbird, along with Panda and Penguin, you will be stripped down to your undershirt and skivvies: you will be revealed.

Don’t worry, it’s OK. There’s someone for everyone. This is a global market. There are millions of prospect. And, you’ve got even more going for you: Internet Rule 34:

“If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions”

Including you.

If you invest in yourself, what you can really offer the world, your real voice, your true name and real face, then you’ll be rewarded handsomely by Google.

If, on the other hand, you fight Google and insist on remaining anonymous, misrepresenting yourself, fooling people, doing bait-and-switches, building your success and career on a false name, false skills, and false experience, then Google will banish you, sending you away with only Bing to as your back-up-plan.

Thing about Bing, though. Bing’ll date anyone and Bing’ll believe anything. If you don’t reform and work hard at becoming the man that Google wants — and Hummingbird demands — you to be, then you’ll always have Bing.

Ok, you’ll probably want to do anything and everything in your power to win Google back — and here’s what you can do to get started:

Join AdWords, even if you don’t plan to advertise.
Join AdSense, even if you don’t plan to host ads on your website.
Join Google Webmaster tools and add and verify all of your sites.
Join Google Analytics and fully implement tracking software on all the sites you have access to.
Be sure to register for Google+.
Fill out everything about yourself, especially everything Google asks your Google Account page – everything, don’t be shy or try to rush through it.
Make sure you connect all of your blogs, published, and social accounts at Google Connected Accounts.
Head over to Google Authorship to make sure you’re on your way to becoming completely G-Verified.
If you’re especially canny you can take the bold step of submitting your blogs to Google to be considered as a news source for Google News.
Finally, if you’re heavy-set then choose “heavyset” — at least until you really are “athletic build”